Rainy Day vs. Sunny Day

Lukey Toot in what i'll call the "baby boat" even though it looks like a coffin with the pillows in there. eek.
"what shall i be today mother? bright and bubbly?...
"or a smoldering temptress"

we're poor. he's taken the hint.

he eats socks to save money... although... it's not really that cost efficient.

guess this is what happens on a couple of rainy days.

Then we had ONE sunny day....

he made my favorite.... sandy pie.

He always tells me, "business first mother." He takes it all very seriously.

take note how he multitasks with his in-car radio. thanks janae.

i love you, Entrepeneurial Lee.

The new DO.

disclaimer: this is a selfish post.

my normal side... "guess she's just plain jane.."

my "bitchy" side. amber would know about this one. HAH

wait... do i like it?

yes.. i definitely do.

BUT WAIT....is that a BUZZED section? why yes it is!!!

i guess this means i can rock out once in a while.

or i can cover it up and fool people into thinking i'm sweet.

ps. i will eventually go platinum blonde. ohh!!! exciting!!

Just a city girl...

So i went to go get my haircut at this really cool salon downtown. it was SUPER relaxing and made me feel like i TRULY lived in a city.. it was bustling, people were weird, the streets were dirty.... it was AWESOME. i love the city. and then the guy that cut my hair was wonderous. he was very professional and nice and then we we started talking about Project Runway he got FLAMIN'. i loved every minute of it. he was so dramatic and it was making me crack up. Gotta love San Fran. anyways.. the haircut.. super edgy and exciting... for a moment walking back to my car, i was a single adult livin' the hard city life getting by, by the skin of my teeth. AWESOME. i heart you city, i really do.

Feelings... nothing but FEELINGS.

okay.. so i have to just post about why i haven't been posting much.

just know that when it's been a WHILE since i posted.. it's usually because one of two things:

1. i'm busy and having fun in life

2. i'm miserable and don't wanna post how depressed i am.

i know... you are gonna wonder next time aren't you!! HAH

CAUTION: i do NOT want ANY comments telling me how "wonderful i am" and how "everyone loves me" and blah blah blah. enos tells me that like every day and so it doesn't mean anything.

I am posting this because i think sometimes you just have to be REALLY real with your blogging audience. and so.... here i go (sick feeling in the pit of my stomach).... (i'm adding an extra dot for my sister jessica who HATES when people use four dots instead of three.. so THERE!)...



I really hate my situation right now. I hate feeling alone every day. I hate going to play group and feeling out of place and like i could be dead and nobody would care. I hate nobody getting me. i hate that i'm in limbo with friendships. I hate that i don't make a bigger effort to put myself out there. i hate that people don't reach out to me anymore. i hate that my BEST FRIEND is gone all the time. I hate that i am so anxious to make friends that i act weird around people. like, not myself, weird. a different weird. an awkward, trying too hard weird.

I wish i had somewhere to go everyday. someone who told me to "get my butt over here!" randomly.

I am the kind of person who does TERRIBLE in large groups. i clam up and end up seeming really boring and bland when i don't consider myself to be either.

I LOVE one on one time where you are laughing and joking the whole time and being honest with each other and really just connecting. I miss having a best friend.

I wish i had someone who was just as eager to see me as i am to see them.

I want to do wacky things every day but feel like everybody is too busy or stressed to do them with me.

I hate that i know some of the other dental wives will read this and feel like they have to say HI to me all the time... GREAT. nothing like fake, obligation hi's.


I hate that i'm feeling sorry for myself right now and i don't want to but i have to scream this out on the blog to get it out there.. to make it the last time i feel sorry for myself. i don't want to talk about this EVER AGAIN while i'm here in San Fran so i'm making this post all about the wallowing and self pity that i've been having so that i can get it out of my system and MOVE ON!!! I also want to use this as reference so when it happens again i can look back and see how i overcame it "last time".

The thing is.. i know that somewhere.. someone i know is feeling this way too but they aren't speaking out either and so we are BOTH feeling lonely when we COULD be hanging out regularly but instead we are both sad separately. that SUCKS.

Now to end on a positive...

i do feel like it will get better. I'm learning to NOT CARE what people think. It is my goal that by the time i am 30 i will not care about what people think of me, how "fat" i am or not know who i am. I WILL find myself before i leave here. i SWEAR to myself. I need to quit over thinking things and reLAX and have fun. SCREW YOU NEGATIVITY!!!! (waving my fist in the air) YOU SUCK!

and now.. to quote 30 Rock (speaking to the moon in rage)....

"i OWN YOU MOON!"
"DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S DAYTIME, IDIOT!"

hah. *sigh

Zombies....and a baby boy.

...i'm so weird.... lucky i have someone to be weird WITH. I heart you Laura Adams.

and i'm glad louie thinks my weirdness is so funny.

Why it pays to have artist friends...

...because they randomly draw you when you aren't looking. :) thanks blake.. this made my day.
go check his stuff out.. www.blakeloosli.com

note: the animation paper holes at the top. :)