okay.. so i have to just post about why i haven't been posting much.
just know that when it's been a WHILE since i posted.. it's usually because one of two things:
1. i'm busy and having fun in life
2. i'm miserable and don't wanna post how depressed i am.
i know... you are gonna wonder next time aren't you!! HAH
CAUTION: i do NOT want ANY comments telling me how "wonderful i am" and how "everyone loves me" and blah blah blah. enos tells me that like every day and so it doesn't mean anything.
I am posting this because i think sometimes you just have to be REALLY real with your blogging audience. and so.... here i go (sick feeling in the pit of my stomach).... (i'm adding an extra dot for my sister jessica who HATES when people use four dots instead of three.. so THERE!)...
I really hate my situation right now. I hate feeling alone every day. I hate going to play group and feeling out of place and like i could be dead and nobody would care. I hate nobody getting me. i hate that i'm in limbo with friendships. I hate that i don't make a bigger effort to put myself out there. i hate that people don't reach out to me anymore. i hate that my BEST FRIEND is gone all the time. I hate that i am so anxious to make friends that i act weird around people. like, not myself, weird. a different weird. an awkward, trying too hard weird.
I wish i had somewhere to go everyday. someone who told me to "get my butt over here!" randomly.
I am the kind of person who does TERRIBLE in large groups. i clam up and end up seeming really boring and bland when i don't consider myself to be either.
I LOVE one on one time where you are laughing and joking the whole time and being honest with each other and really just connecting. I miss having a best friend.
I wish i had someone who was just as eager to see me as i am to see them.
I want to do wacky things every day but feel like everybody is too busy or stressed to do them with me.
I hate that i know some of the other dental wives will read this and feel like they have to say HI to me all the time... GREAT. nothing like fake, obligation hi's.
I hate that i'm feeling sorry for myself right now and i don't want to but i have to scream this out on the blog to get it out there.. to make it the last time i feel sorry for myself. i don't want to talk about this EVER AGAIN while i'm here in San Fran so i'm making this post all about the wallowing and self pity that i've been having so that i can get it out of my system and MOVE ON!!! I also want to use this as reference so when it happens again i can look back and see how i overcame it "last time".
The thing is.. i know that somewhere.. someone i know is feeling this way too but they aren't speaking out either and so we are BOTH feeling lonely when we COULD be hanging out regularly but instead we are both sad separately. that SUCKS.
Now to end on a positive...
i do feel like it will get better. I'm learning to NOT CARE what people think. It is my goal that by the time i am 30 i will not care about what people think of me, how "fat" i am or not know who i am. I WILL find myself before i leave here. i SWEAR to myself. I need to quit over thinking things and reLAX and have fun. SCREW YOU NEGATIVITY!!!! (waving my fist in the air) YOU SUCK!
and now.. to quote 30 Rock (speaking to the moon in rage)....
"i OWN YOU MOON!"
"DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S DAYTIME, IDIOT!"
hah. *sigh
23 comments:
Great post, Lindsay.
I can honestly say that I know EXACTLY how you feel. Now that I'm in Las Vegas and my wife and I are starting to get in the swing of our new ward... it's so frustrating how I become a completely different person when I am out of my comfort zone. I clam up, get extremely awkward, and end up coming off like a mumbling, mindless, drone with no personality.
What happened to the person of yesteryear that was so out-going and loved to meet new people and make new friends... SIGH!
I honestly wish you the best with everything!
Also, full points for the 30 Rock quote!
you always say what i feel. :)
Our first year, I was pregnant with Adelle just a month and a half after we got here. I was home sick for so long that I didn't really get to know anyone right off, and later when I came back to activities I felt sooooooo awkward and out of my skin around everyone. Especially because there was a huge third year group that was really tight-knit and didn't really talk to other people. I didn't feel like I ever said what was on my mind and no one knew my real personality.
I started forcing myself to go to playgroup no matter how much I didn't want to, (and it definitely was awkward for a while). It eventually got better, but every once in a while, I still feel that way. I know alot of the girls here have been through similar things too, and first year makes the situation about 100X more lame with your husband gone at all the reasonable hours of the day.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is super lame to feel like that, but don't give up! We love your personality and having you here!!!
play groups? I haven't even done that and I'm close to our home town. now i feel even MORE like a loser. counting down the days to your return so we can be weird/awkward/unsociable together. :)
I feel ya sista! Seriously...I've been feeling the same way myself. Sometimes I just hate people.
Thanks for keepin' it real! I love ya...if that helps at all? Probably not though....sigh*
It is hard to make REAL friends, and your always feeling like the "left outer"...that is how I feel, everytime I move. I still feel that way. Isn't it crazy how all of a sudden, here we are, in our 30's *cough*cough...and we still feel like we are in middle school. Why can't everyone just grow up?
Oh Lindsay...sweet, sweet Lindsay!!
I promise..NO PITY PARTY HERE!
All I want to say is that I am experiencing the SAME EXACT THING! At the age of 31, having moved back "home" after being gone for sooo long and not keeping many friends here, it has been tough trying to make new ones! Yeah, it doesn't help that I'm a werido in new social settings...hahaha! I also feel that my true personality doesn't come accross well because of how weird I get, so I hear ya sister!
I am however,lucky in the fact that I don't really care what people think about me anymore! I realize I've become THE GOSSIP and I'm OK with that. Because of who I am, I had to develop a thick skin REAL QUICK or else I would be eaten alive by the constant worrying. And truly...nothing could be MORE FREEING than "lettingo go" of all of that stuff!!
I wish you all the bestest! And please, please, please, don't EVER stop being your awkward, silly, whatever else you feel is "weird"...self!
Haha, I've gone through so much drama myself down here too, I could echo everything you said. And I've also been meaning to apologize for Andrew and I being so MOODY at you when he was flunking through college. . . now we are on the other side and it is so annoying. So sorry. Big sorry.
I've been lonely a lot since we left Utah, people like you are hard to come by. My best friends are two little boys now. Is that pathetic? Should we stop showering together?
If I come back to the U.S. this summer, we should get together. If I don't come back, we should just write sad things on our blogs.
Holy crap, saddness! This was a pretty pathetic post, Lindsay. Suck it up, do what you do and quit complaining.
Ok, sometimes when I read blogs and EVERYONE that comments coddles the blogger I have this weird need to say the exact opposite. I don't know, I think if I just say the same thing everyone else does my comment gets lost and is not as important. I have to stand out somehow.
Well, this is the deal...(.) I ALWAYS feel like that. I have lots of friends, but very few close friends. Every now and then I move somewhere and I find a really awesome friend (i.e. tu sister Jess) and everything in my life seems better. Weird how that one aspect in our lives makes everything better. BUT sometimes, like San Clemente for me and San Francisco for you, you move somewhere and you spend several years there without finding that close friend. It totally sucks. That's why I call your sister incessantly and make her tell me how awesome her life is. I can live through her and all of her friends. I'm amazed at how they have this weird need to celebrate mundane things. "Hey I read that John and Abigail Adams had their first date on May 31st, let's have an elaborate 19th century party to celebrate." Weirdos.
ANYWAY, this is what I think...(.) since we are so dang likable, I think that our friends just assume we have better things to do than hang with them. It's like how the prettiest girl in school never gets asked out on a date, all the boys are intimidated. Or maybe that's just something my mom told me when I never got asked out. I don't know, but it seems pretty feasible, right?
Ditto.
That damn bridge is too long.
Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay! I "HATED" my first year, no serisously... . (that fourth dot was for your sister!) Hated it bad! I could have walked out of my apartment anytime and not cared if I ever saw it or anyone ever again. Some where between then and now, my feelings have totally changed! (maybe it's because i'm almost 30 and my time limit on finding myself is almost up!) So my advice is not an overnight remedy but i think it will help. Just keep coming to playgroup, and workout group and every other group we do and you will find that friend you are looking for! I will say i am not good at calling people, so i'm just gonna put this out there randomly...just come over and hang out anytime! I am usually in my pj's so don't expect any fashion shows! oh, and don't worry, I will only say "hi" every other time so you don't think I am feeling obligated to say It. And just because I am a rule breaker...I think you're fabulous! ;) It's funny that you write this because just last night i was telling John how cool and confident I thought you were! So as my mom always says "just fake it til you make"! and when you are lonesome come over and have some hot chocolate and marshmallows it always makes us feel better.
I love when people are honest on their blog. It bugs me when all they ever post is their latest scrapbooking adventure or how gooey they feel about their husband. Well done for honesty. Hang in there.
When there are long breaks on my blog, I'm similar to you because of reason #2. Nothing to do with my social life or anything like that. I just get a little down and have long periods of it and the blog takes a hit.
I grew up my whole life moving. I went to 2 different middle schools and 3 different high schools. I always hated trying to make new friends every time we moved, but it always worked out in the end and it will for you too.
Lindsay!
I know just how you feel. It's a pain being shy, and I am very shy. I have to force myself to go and talk to people. I have several friends that can talk to anyone anywhere and it totally baffles me! I so wish I was like that!
I also understand what you mean when you say that you don't want anyone telling you how great you are, and that Enos tells you that every day (Go Enos!). Pat has been doing the same for me for over 32 years now and I still doubt him!
I think we just need to accept the great things about ourselves, know who we really are, and be happy as we continue to make improvements along the way. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks about us - they don't really know us, but we do! We know when we are doing well and when we are failing miserably; we know when we are trying hard enough or have given up... we know all our weaknesses and our strengths.
I think everyone has been through what you are now going through and that those who know you truly like/love you for you being you.
I will refrain from expressing how wonderful and unique I think you are... since that is what you requested! ;)
XOXOXO,
Sandy
i completely understand you women. i have been there... sometimes i feel i am still there. i promise it gets better... just as long as you try.
love ya-
oh and i agree with juli. i am horrible at calling and saying come on over but seriously, come on over ANYTIME!!!!
Lindseroni. I love you. I loved this post. So honest, and so something I can relate to, especially since being back at church. Everyone is SO nice to me, but I don't have a single, real, true-blue, forever FRIEND. It hurts, it makes things hard, and sometimes if I think about it too much, it makes me not want to go to stuff at all. And I, like you, can't bring myself to say anything because I don't want "sympathy friendships."
I know you don't want to hear this kind of stuff, but I hope you know how much I wish we lived close so I could be that person saying, "GET OVER HERE!" or that person that seriously CANNOT wait to see you. I need it as much as you do.
Ugh. Love you. Miss you. Come visit me.
i agree mostly with what the asian dude said.
i'd also like to add that THIS is the very reason that when you are done doing whatever it is yall are doing in cali, you need to move BACK to texas to be close to ur sister.
i never realized how much real FUN FUN we have when we get together.
the best part is...it's fun without all the stupid friend drama. perfect :)
Well, I will say you are brave for putting all those emotions out there for others to read. I know you will get over this and be stronger. And, the good news is that you will not have a husband in dental school forever. He will finish and you will get to move somewhere and start your real life not as students. That will be so nice. Sometimes I feel like I don't have man true friends either. I blog, but wonder how many people really care and really read what I write. Anyway, I know you got loads of other comments, so I will keep this short. If you are up for a drive, you and Lucas are more than welcome to come see me and Harrison. I'm not sure where you are in SF, but without traffic I have made it to Fisherman's Warf in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Let me know. I am serious, too.
I will just chime in and say your sister is right, but the 3 dot ellipsis is not always appropriate. For example, if the section that you are cutting out and replacing with the ellipsis is the end of a sentence, you would put 4 dots. So if I wanted to use that here, I would say:
I will just chime in and say your sister is right.... For example, if the section you are cutting out... is the end of a sentence, you would put 4 dots.
Technically speaking, all numbers 1-10 should be written out (one through ten). Also, I have always been a double space-bar-pusher at the end of every sentence, but I know there are some of the single-push persuasion. I have never seen an official ruling on this issue.
This comment is more to bother Enos, by the way. But if I have in fact managed to annoy both of you, double points. Huzzah.
I could copy and paste all that you wrote into my blog and it would express EXACTLY how I feel. At least you've haven't been there that long. I've been in Reno for like 9 years and still feel that way. I wish you guys were here.
All I can say is staying positive helps and know that really and truly you are never alone. Heavenly Father knows how you are feeling. Talk to Him about it and see what He has to say about the situation.
Love you guys.
Heavenly Father thinks you are a loser.
Sad.
-Oh my HELL Lindz, I almost started crying reading this!!!
-I know you said not to say it... but I don’t give a flying SHIZZZZ what you think...I'm saying it, YOU ARE GREAT, WONDERFUL, GRAND, and sexy!
-I think the main reason why I felt like crying when reading this... IT'S THE STORY of my freaking life. I feel the EXACT same way as you with everything you said! I need some good friends HERE so bad...I have no friends and feel the same way you do around the one's that consider me a "friend".
-I wish you didn't move as soon as we were getting to know one another...I would sooo love to be your silly buddy!
-Please start feeling better and don’t worry, you'll find your kindred San Francisco spirit soon...I just know it!
-Oh, and by the way..."Everyone LOVES YOU...blah blah blah" :)
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