Thursday, January 8, 2009
Feelings... nothing more than feelings.
Okay so i just read this really insightful post on my friend sarah's blog about being a mother and i TOTALLY have all of the fears she talks about. It's not like one of those "will i raise my children right" thought processes or anything like that... she talks about losing herself in being a mother and how at times it's really depressing while others it's rewarding but still really depressing. It's what i've always felt motherhood would be.... where you feel like your whole life and day IS what your children do. You don't really wanna talk about specifics of your day to anyone because really... what would you say? oh, i changed another poopy diaper, i read a book to so-in-so, blah blah blah. I'm so scared of becoming this... i don't want to be "just a mom" in the sense that i don't want to lose who i am (whoever THAT is) to this other person's life. On the other hand.... i don't really feel like i'm anything right now either... i feel like what i want in my life is something that i can't do and how i want to be a mother first and foremost but i still want to be me and grow in my art and become really successful and achieve a lot. I don't know how to do this.... Ever since i was little i have wanted to be a "Disney Artist" which nowadays just translates into someone successful in the animated movie industry.... i never dreamed about being a mother or played house (at least not on my own terms.. i was always forced to be "the dad" HA, how fitting).... and now i just don't know how to develop myself whilst still leading this mother life. Who am i? Will i ever get to the point where i know and feel confident that YES this is me and i am okay with that. I don't see it happening... i WANT it to happen.. i WANT to be okay with my life even if that means nobody at Disney or Pixar has ever heard of my name.... but i can't. It's who i've always defined myself as... if i'm not an artist... what am i? another jane shmoe raising babies? one day having conversations about how Lucas is so talented and smart even at 1 year old and can put the blocks in the correct shapes and can walk and talk and blah blah blah... i'm so bored. I don't wanna be that. I don't want my life to be THEIR life. I want to be me. i don't want to be "lucas' mom." I know this all sounds really selfish and that this is probably the reason that people who don't have children, don't have children but it doesn't change the fact that i still feel this way. That's all.... just wanted to vent.
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11 comments:
Lindz...I am totally on the same page as you! That is one reason why I painted about motherhood for my theme in school last sem. This year especially pl have been hassling me when I am going to have a baby...and I tell them not till I am done with school...and they all give me a dirty look! Totally get what you mean when you say, "I don't want my life to be THEIR life"..boringgg!
Oh, yes...and I checked out your Sarah friends blog and I enjoyed her motherhood post...would of been good advice when I was painting! And her husband being John Heders twinner...sweeeeet!
okay i actually read sarah's post a few days ago so i know what you're talking about as far as her concerns.
these are my words of advice. take them as you will. not to offense, but to grow.
first and foremost...HF knows your desires. You obviously have been promted that now is the time to bring to earth one of his sweet spirit to mother and care for and raise in the gospel. you're doing that. for some it is easier (like me who would be fine having 734 children) for others, not so much (like you).
just know that as easy or as hard as it for each person to be a mother, we all desire to keep that feeling or desire inside of us to remain true to our destiny. just because i have 4 children doesn't mean my dreams have to be pushed away. BUT, do know that HF has specific times for specific things in your life and he may need you to put your dreams "Aside"..but not away. Right now he has a bigger and better project at hand waiting for you to work on and THAT may be more rewarding to you than you think.
I hope I don't sound all preachy, but I DO know that to find myself required the mixing of many very important ingredients. Without those ingredients to add to my life, I may never have found the ME that makes me tick. And that ME is the finished product I think I'll need to achieve bigger dreams for myself in the future. Those dreams that I once set "aside" instead of "Away".
Have faith that HF knows ALL. As long as you do what he asks of you, you will be rewarded to a point where you DO feel fulfilled. I promise. But remember this too...his plan isn't always the one that you have pictured. I know you know that. Remember that silly game our primary classes would play where they'd string some yarn all around chairs and then turn off the lights? You had to hold to the yarn and even though there were turned over chairs, kids and roadblocks...as long as you held to the "rod" you found the end. I think this metephor can be used in more ways that one...so all I can say is have FAITH. You know this is where you are supposed to be right HERE and now, don't worry about the rest. Enjoy this and make the most of it.
jessica
Motherhood has come very, very easy to me, and I find it very fulfilling. BUT, at the same time, I do have these EXACT feelings. To me, though, they are more about my choices. I've CHOSEN to put myself on the back burner and I really don't have a whole lot else going on besides my kids. But I don't think that HAS to be the way it is. To me, it's more because I haven't found my passion. Maybe if I had, I would have found some way to work that into my life in a meaningful way. You've known your passion as long as I've known you, so I think this will be much easier for you, I really do. Anyway, love you much, and know you're going to love being a mom, even with the crap parts!
Also, I started exploring that blog and was very confused when I saw pictures of "Dan." I was like, is that some sort of code name so she can secretly blog about Jon Heder without people knowing?! But I did some Googling and I get it now! :)
Wow lindsay, I can identify and understand SO much! I know I seem like a "figured it out" mom sometimes, but I really do understand the feelings you have expressed to some degree. I think Enos is right on, do what you can, and find the positive in what you DO do with your life. (like art and stuff) I keep telling myself there are seasons. Sometimes it feels like a broken record, but I know it's true. The awesome thing about you, is that you have taken time to develop your art, you are not starting at the "basic" level like I am, since I started motherhood before school. You might be surprised what you are able to continue doing after Lucas is born, and still feel like a devoted mother. I truly believe that puting ourselves first in a way, and taking time to cultivate ourselves (outside motherhood), is one of the best gifts we can individually give out kids. (I need to work on that) It's a really good example to them, to serve others, have faith, but also doing things WE love, and taking care of ourselves so we can have more to give. Don't be afraid of loosing yourself Lindsay, you have a really good foundation inside, and plus, Enos won't let you! (he is capable of being Mr. Mom ANYTIME you need it, and let me tell you, that is rare, especially at the level he is at) I know this is long, but I don't feel bad since other people posted long comments too. :) See you tonight!
thats why its important to stick with your career, so you can feel your acomplishing something other then raising your children. Believe me, once Lucas is out and starts getting a little personality, you will understand how important motherhood is...until then, don't stress over it! It will come...believe me!
also, remember you very hormonal too...things seem 10x worst right now!
thanks for all the encouragement... I really REALLY appreciated it and took it to heart. Nobody sounds preachy don't worry... you all sound like seasoned professionals who are further along at figuring things out about this whole thing. I love you guys :) Oh... and yes amy.. i realize how hormonal i am... in fact, i almost cried at HSM 3 last night... i only allowed my eyes to water up because i reFUSED to cry at such a retarded (yet wonderful) movie.
It is hard. You will be emotional especially if you have a "hard" baby. But I ditto a lot of what Jessica said. The only way I can make it through these hard Baby Days with L are b/c I have P to see what he will become and how it is really rewarding. the baby days are very hard for me though....I won't lie. Good luck:)
Geez, I'm really late with my comment but I pretty much agree with what everyone said. I also would reread the comments left on my post. I thought everyone had great advice. I think overall you just have to find a balance. Yes, I think you do have to sacrifice as a mom and sure, some things do have to be put on the back-burner at times, but really, you can still make time for your art. Your passion is such a great thing you can easily do while being a mom at the same time. At least you know what you're passionate about, I'm still trying to figure it out.
Oh, and the "Jon/Dan Heder" comments were amusing!
Oh, and ignore the last comment left on my post from some girl named "Robyn". I have no idea who she is, but I didn't really agree with anything she said.
Pooh,
I am so thankful that I birthed you 2 sisters that just gave you the best advise ever. Wow! Way to go sisters. That would be Amy and Jessica. Therefore, I need not give any additional info to you BUT (let me put my long mother face on and arch my brow) "Lindsay, do not stress so much over this...you will be a great mutha and continue to be your own person. You are very hormonal and that is just how you will be righ now because all of your insides are changing (part of the HF plan also) but just enjoy it and don't stress. It is all about the journey. Don't stress about the destination...it will follow. Love you
Mutha
ONE MORE TIME....I birthed you the 2 greatest sisters. Love you again.
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